i. Brahma

The world began when Brian landed in Orlando, and Kevin said, "this is my cousin, Brian," and they smiled and nodded nervously.

"Hey," Brian said, and Nick had to get Kevin to introduce him to Brian, because he'd suddenly forgotten how to form words, and couldn't do it himself.

"This is Nick," Kevin told Brian, and patted Nick on the shoulder. AJ smirked, but Nick didn't even notice.

Brian turned out not to be intimidating at all, though he was something of a jock and a better singer than Nick and was painfully cute, and Nick couldn't help but put him on a pedestal. But he was also nice - probably too nice for his own good - and honestly wanted to be friends with Nick, even though he was five years older and a world away.

But Nick didn't fall in love with him until later, until he was old enough to know.

Brian had knocked him down on the basketball court and he'd scraped up his forearm, getting pebbles of asphalt caught in his skin. Brian might have sworn, but Nick could never remember, because the next thing that happened was that Brian said, "are you okay? I'm really sorry," and looked so concerned that Nick couldn't bring himself to be pissed off.

And then Brian took his hand and hauled him up, and Nick knew it was love from the spark he got from Brian's touch.

Later, after Nick had gotten cleaned up, Brian came by his room and said, "man, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Nick said. It wasn't actually that bad once he'd gotten it clean, and it didn't bleed very much, so he'd ended up with a series of band-aids on his arm that didn't hurt, but made him feel stupid.

"Is it?" Brian asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, yeah," Nick said.

"Oh." Brian broke into a smile, and Nick thought he might melt, if he were something soluble in a smile. "'Cause...well, good." Which it turned out he was.

When he told AJ, while he was doing his algebra homework, AJ laughed until tears were dripping off his chin.

"Brian?" he asked, dumb-founded.

"Shh!" Nick said. "Shut up. It - it's not that bad, is it?"

"Oh, damn," AJ said, and dabbed at the seeping tearstains in his English book. "That - that's kinda bad, man."

"Hey, hey," Nick protested.

AJ covered his face with his hand and laughed into his wrist. "Nick. Brian's so fucking Christian he pretty much speaks scripture."

"He doesn't!"

"He does," AJ said knowingly. "And okay, even if he didn't, d'you really think he's, y'know. Like thaaat." He drew out the word and gestured vaguely as if it would help prove his point. "He'd probably rather burn himself at the stake than - yeah."

Nick frowned. "He's not really like that," he mumbled.

"Fine," AJ said, and took his hand away so Nick would get the full effect of him rolling his eyes. "So go fucking tell him you're queer and want his fine Christian ass."

"AJ!" Nick shrieked.

"Or don't," AJ said quickly.

"I can't."

AJ rearranged his textbook impatiently, looking at Nick steadily. "You want me to, right."

Nick hesitated a little. "Would you?"

"Fuck you." AJ snorted. "Yeah."

Life didn't really begin until Brian pushed him up against the bus, after everyone else had already made it to the hotel, and covered Nick's mouth with his own. He touched Nick's cheek and his mouth opened, and Nick's knees would have buckled if Brian hadn't been holding him up.

ii. Vishnu

And then the world was perfect, mostly.

There were things about Brian that he didn't notice until then, but once he knew, he wondered how he could have missed them.

Like that Brian always smelled of unisex cologne and dryer sheets, and that his skin was always dry because it was sensitive, and he always used soap with too high a pH, which pissed off their makeup people to no end. And that he took quick showers because he hated the way water wrinkled his hands if he stayed in too long. And that he liked to shave with the mirror at an angle to him, because he claimed it helped him see what he was doing.

He noticed that Brian really didn't drink, unless it was mixed with something else, and even that was rare. And that he was addicted to medicated chapstick because he liked the flavour, which Nick just thought was the most disgusting thing he'd ever heard.

And there was other really useless shit, too, which probably should have made Nick wonder just why he was in love with Brian, but instead endeared him even further.

He slept with Brian almost nightly, but he didn't actually sleep with him until their first fight, which later struck him as ironic.

"Look, I just said that she was pretty," Brian insisted, and put his hands on Nick's shoulders.

"You were fucking flirting with her," Nick said, teeth clenched.

"I wasn't," Brian said. "She was nice. We'll probably be friends. It's nothing."

Nick's eyes darkened. "It's not. It's something."

"Nick, baby." Brian let his fingers skim the curve of Nick's neck, and Nick shivered involuntarily. "I love you, 'kay? I'm not gonna leave you for some girl I just met."

Nick looked at him uncertainly, and Brian added, "please, just believe me." Nick kissed him, and Brian spread his legs, and Nick believed.

Nick woke up later from a cramp in his calf. Brian pressed up against his back and mouthed his neck, mumbling, "you awake?"

"Yeah," Nick said contentedly, and curled his hands over Brian's, around his waist.

Howie found out first after AJ, of course, because AJ "couldn't keep your god damn mouth shut, could you," Nick said angrily.

"Fuck, man, they were gonna find out anyway," AJ said.

"You could've let us say something."

"If it was up to you who ever got to know anything," AJ said carefully, "nobody'd ever know a damn thing."

Nick glared at him until AJ said, "Jesus effin' Christ. It's not like Howie gives a shit. He's fuckin' queer himself, man."

"Oh," Nick said.

"Yeah, oh," AJ replied.

"But Kevin," Nick started.

"Won't care either, man. He's not gonna disown you or something, and hey, I bet Bri already told him."

Nick looked unconvinced.

Kevin did find out, of course, not because Brian had told him, but because AJ had unsurprisingly let it slip. He had initially not cared, because he said, "it's none of my business," and it wasn't. But he walked in on them making out in one of the dressing rooms after a show, and suddenly it became his business. The ride to the hotel from the venue was silent and uncomfortable, and when AJ said, "whoa, what's up his ass tonight?" Howie elbowed him sharply in the ribs, and he fell silent.

Kevin sat them down in Brian's hotel room and stared at them hard before he said, "It's not safe."

"I'm not stupid, Kev," Brian said.

"No, I know, but it's not."

"You didn't think so yesterday," Nick said.

Kevin paused, and sighed. "I just think -"

"We're careful," Brian said.

"Yeah, but not enough."

"No one even knows but us. It's not like it was public," Nick said quietly. Brian laid his palm along the inside of Nick's thigh, and Nick could feel him shivering, very slightly.

"You're only a kid," Kevin began.

"I'm seventeen," Nick said, at the same time as Brian said, "That's not what this is about."

"I'm just worried," Kevin said.

"It's fine," Brian said dismissively, but he didn't sound fine.

"Hey, look," he said when Kevin left, "it doesn't matter what he says. He's just looking out for us and all, but he can be wrong, too."

"Yeah," Nick mumbled, and pressed his cheek against Brian's shoulder.

"No, no, I mean it," Brian said. "It's not up to him what we do."

"I don't know." Nick tilted his head up, looking at him sideways. "Maybe we're a bad idea."

"Oh," Brian said, crestfallen.

"I mean, because - I don't want to fuck with the group."

"Oh," Brian said again, and nothing else.

Nick looked at him uncertainly, and lifted his head away from his shoulder. Finally, Nick said with great difficulty, "I don't really mean that." And then he kissed Brian, who smiled.

But the end began anyway, because it always did. Brian called him one day from home, and said, "Leigh and I are gonna go out, like, as a cover and stuff, if that's okay."

Nick frowned into the phone. "No," he said, "but whatever."

Brian came by later with take-out and a white rose and rum, which struck Nick as odd, which he drank with his coke. Brian's kisses were slow and sticky, and when they fucked on Nick's couch, it didn't even occur to Nick to think they were making love, because they weren't.

"He's just looking out for you guys," AJ said, when Nick made it to the studio the next day. Nobody else had shown up yet.

"Yeah, well," Nick said disgustedly, "I've fucking had enough of people looking out for me."

"Hey, man," AJ said. "I hear ya." And he went back to reading a back issue of Vanity Fair. Nick stared at the ceiling until the other guys came in, thinking of all the nasty things he wanted to say to Brian but never would.

"It's nothing," Brian insisted, a week later. "I love you, man. I'm not just playing."

"Mmhmm," Nick said, and somehow wished he could believe him.

Brian looked momentarily uncertain, then said, "If it's making you jealous -"

"Oh, fuck you," Nick said. And when he did fuck Brian, Nick made sure to leave bruises on his biceps where he had dug in his fingers for leverage, and on his neck, where he had sucked frantically, because he didn't think he was going to get another chance.

iii. Shiva

The world ended when Brian came to Nick's house, hands stuffed deep in his coat pockets and a small smile on his face.

"Hi," he said when the door opened, and he sidestepped Nick to press into the front hallway.

"What?" Nick asked. He closed the door and hit the light in the hall, and suddenly felt self-conscious. His hair was un-brushed and sticking up, and dust was clinging to his white t-shirt, because he'd spent the last half hour sitting on the floor installing a new video card and fucking it up.

"I wanted to talk to you," Brian said.

"I kinda gathered that." Nick ran a hand through his hair to smooth it down, but it struck him as stupid to try to impress Brian. After all, there was only one thing that "I wanted to talk to you" could mean in a failing relationship.

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah," Nick said, and proceeded into the kitchen, not checking to see if Brian was following; he didn't need to. He slumped into one of the chairs, and picked listlessly at the dust bunnies along the hem of his shirt.

Brian pulled out a chair alongside Nick and touched his knee. "Nick," he started.

"I'm listening," Nick murmured.

"I, um." Brian sighed tragically, but there was still a smile in his eyes, and Nick couldn't bring himself to feel sorry for him. "Me and Leigh, we're gonna get serious."

Oh. "Oh," Nick said.

"So, um."

"Yeah," Nick said, and couldn't quite bring himself to look Brian in the eye. "I was thinking of - of, you know. It wasn't really working anyway, right."

"Right," Brian said. He cleared his throat and repeated, "Right," a little louder.

"But we can still be friends and all," Nick said hastily. He hoped he didn't sound desperate. "It's not something that should, like, ruin the group or something. Right?" He raised his eyes, wanted some kind of confirmation. He thought Brian looked sad, now, his smile gone, but he may have only been imagining it.

"Right," Brian said again. "I should go."

Nick nodded and stood up, shakily, and walked Brian back to the door. Light was slanting in the front window, partially obscured by the tree in the yard, falling on Brian's face. And Nick felt fourteen all over again, nervous and dry-lipped and impossibly in love, with Brian too far gone.

"It wasn't," Brian said slowly, putting his hand on the doorknob, "like, something really big or anything. Just something because it was, you know. There."

"Yeah," Nick said disconsolately. He licked his lips and tilted his head down to kiss Brian. It was soft and wet, but chaste and uncomfortable, and that was how Brian slipped away from him.

A last kiss, Nick thought, was a lot like a first.